The expression “fishing for compliments” refers to the fact that some people “bait” others into complimenting them, fishing for praise the same way other people use a line and bait to catch fish. “Fishing for compliments” is typically a negative thing since many people get annoyed when someone very obviously drops hints that they’re looking for compliments.
Low self-esteem can come from a lot of different places, including childhood trauma (like neglect or abuse) and disorders like anxiety or depression. Sometimes, when a person with low self-esteem has a lot of insecurities, they develop an inferiority complex—a feeling of intense inadequacy. They might rely on compliments for validation that they’re actually good enough.
Someone looking for a little recognition for a job well done might casually mention their achievement to get you to notice it or post about their success on social media to attract a wave of praise and well-wishes.
For example, people looking for attention might say something like, “Ugh! Look at my hair, isn’t it so messy?” to try and make you notice their hair. Alternatively, they might chase your attention more openly by boasting, saying something like, “I can’t believe I got a promotion this week! I had no idea I’d get one so early in the year. ” The attention-seeker may even be fishing for compliments because they’re jealous of the attention someone else is getting. They might redirect the conversation to themselves when anyone else gets more attention.
If someone you know has been feeling down lately and suddenly starts fishing for compliments, it might be a sign that they’re feeling lonely and looking for attention to make them feel better.
NPD is based on chronic low self-esteem. This can cause narcissists to take over a conversation so they can redirect all the attention back to themselves, getting extra praise. BPD is characterized by low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and unstable moods. People with BPD can have a drive for attention that manifests in disruptive ways; some even have angry outbursts at times.
For example, if someone got near-constant compliments on their looks throughout their life, they might grow to expect people to always praise their looks. If they suddenly weren’t praised as often, they might start getting people’s attention and fishing for compliments to make up for the perceived lack of interest earlier.
Someone acting insecure might talk about how nervous they are for an upcoming test and how they don’t know if they’re smart enough to pass it, even when you know they’re a straight-A student. Someone acting insecure may be trying to get other people to chime in and tell them how smart and capable they are by pretending to talk about their insecurities.
For example, someone fishing for compliments might show you a photo and say, “Ugh, I look awful in this pic,” to try and get you to deny it and tell them they look great. If they’re pretending to be ignorant, they might say something like, “I don’t think anyone really cares if I come, so I might stay home tonight,” to try and get you to remind them that people do actually care.
For example, if you tell them they did a great job on a project, and they say something like, “No, I did okay, but it honestly could’ve been so much better,” they’re likely hoping you double down and keep praising them.
Someone boasting might say something like, “I just got a big raise last week. Isn’t that so cool?” to get you to respond and affirm how great they are. In some cases, people fishing for compliments might even exaggerate a story to make themselves look like the hero and attract more admiration. For example, rather than saying, “Our presentation was a huge success,” they might go further and say, “The rest of my team was scrambling, but I got our presentation on track, and we did amazing!” even if it’s not true.
For example, they might show you their brand new outfit for a formal dinner and say, “I don’t know, I feel weird. Do I look okay?” in hopes that you’ll chime in with the reassurance that they look amazing.
For example, you might say, “I have to say, you were really amazing in yesterday’s swimming competition! Congratulations on your 1st-place prize. ” In that case, the person fishing for compliments really did win an award, which means they’re probably deserving of some praise.
You don’t have to ignore this person entirely right off the bat. Just don’t give in to their subtle demand for compliments and pretend you don’t notice the obvious baiting.
For example, if someone is clearly fishing for compliments, you might say, “Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask if you’ve seen any good movies lately? I need something new to watch!”
Practicing mindfulness can help a person realize when they’re fishing for compliments, catch themselves, and correct the behavior over time. Developing a sense of self-confidence can really help combat feelings of low self-esteem, making people less likely to fish for compliments. If nothing else, speaking to a therapist can help them pinpoint why, exactly, they fish for compliments and develop healthier habits to prevent fishing for compliments in the future.
When you know your worth, you won’t need to search for so much external validation. Instead, you’ll be able to remind yourself of how great you really are.
The more you fight those insecurities with self-confidence, the less you’ll look to other people for praise!
“I matter!” “I love who I am today. ” “I will make myself proud today. ” “I am whole and complete. ” “I am a gift to this world. ”
For example, say someone tells you, “Your eyes are so blue! They’re beautiful. ” You might be tempted to say something like, “Ugh, I’ve never liked them. They’re a dull shade of blue. ” Resist that urge and say, “Wow, thank you!” instead. Look for opportunities to give people compliments, too! You may find it feels way more satisfying to put positive energy out into the world instead of trying to get people to give it to you.
