Chapman suggests that what makes one person feel valued and loved does not necessarily work for another. The book urges partners to learn each other’s love language and use it to meet the other’s emotional needs. Understanding their partner’s preferred love language can help couples manage their differences and cope with conflict.
Read on to learn how to determine your love language and how it may help your relationship.
The Research
The love languages model was derived from clinical observations made by Chapman rather than empirical evidence (gained through observation and experimentation). While the book has sold millions of copies worldwide and is being incorporated into therapy by some counselors, formal study on Chapman’s love languages is limited.
However, there is some research on the subject. One study that looked at over 980 individuals in relationships found that people who believed their partners were correctly using their primary love language felt more love for their partner. Even partners who were attempting to show affection in the way their partner needed made their partner feel happier in the relationship.
Another study found that couples who follow Chapman’s advice of catering to their partner’s love language display relationship maintenance behaviors, leading to more relationship satisfaction.
These findings, in their basic form, show that partners who listen to and understand the needs of their partner will have a healthier relationship.
Limitations
Research on the five love languages also has several limitations. Most of the research has been conducted on heterosexual couples. One study that included same-sex couples found that results were consistent regardless of sexual orientation, but more studies are needed.
While the five love languages seem to be adaptable to different cultures, the research has found that culture does influence both how the method is implemented and the results of the studies. Because many of the studies were narrow in their participant pools, the results may not translate well to other populations.
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
While all five love languages have value and people may identify with more than one love language, Chapman proposes that everyone has a primary one. Understanding your partner’s top or primary love language is the first step in meeting their needs.
Quality Time
People whose love language is quality time appreciate:
Uninterrupted time spent togetherTheir partner’s undivided attention (e. g. , not checking their phone)Not just the amount of time spent together, but the quality of it, including eye contact, being present and focused on each other, sharing feelings and thoughts, and being welcoming and personal with each otherEngaging in activities that allow them to enjoy each other’s company
Physical Touch
People whose love language is physical touch don’t necessarily require sexual intimacy. They also appreciate:
Affectionate touching, such as holding hands, hugs, arms placed around them, or gentle touches to their face or bodyPhysical closeness that allows them to feel connected to their partner and safe
Remember that even if your partner’s love language is physical touch, they may not always want to be touched or touched in certain ways.
If your love language is physical touch, it isn’t OK to pressure your partner into engaging in physical activities they aren’t comfortable with. Consent is always needed.
Words of Affirmation
Someone whose love language is words of affirmation may appreciate:
Kind words of praise or appreciationLove notesTexts or emails that let them know their partner is thinking of them and cares for themComplimentsInterest in what they are saying or doing or the things they valueAcknowledgment of their accomplishmentsEncouragementHearing more positive words than negative ones
People with this love language are more negatively affected by unkind words or harsh criticisms.
Acts of Service
People whose primary love language is acts of service value:
Their partner helping them outWhen their partner takes the pressure off them by taking on one of their responsibilities, especially ones they do not enjoyTheir partner following through on commitments and doing things instead of just talking about doing themActions from their partner that make their lives a little easier or ease their workloadTheir partner doing helpful things without needing to be asked or reminded
Receiving Gifts
Those who identify gift-giving and receiving as their primary love language value the thought behind the gift more than the material item. A simple, inexpensive, but thoughtful item means more to them than a generic luxury item. They appreciate:
Unexpected gifts that let them know their partner was thinking about them, such as bringing them coffee or flowersWhen their partner surprises them with a gift for no reasonA gift that their partner put a lot of thought intoGifts that show their partner really “gets them”
Benefits
Both partners and the relationship as a whole can benefit from using the five love languages.
Chapman argues that partners feel more fulfilled, secure, and recognized when they try to use each other’s love languages. This allows them to explore their interests more and work on personal development. Rather than losing their individuality, they become more intimate with each other while helping their partner reach their potential.
When someone shows love using their love language, it may not be noticed or appreciated as much by their partner. Showing love using their partner’s love language is more likely to have a positive effect.
Other benefits can include:
Helping improve empathy and selflessnessEncouraging partners to be more meaningful with their actionsStrengthening the relationshipIncreasing self-awareness and encouraging personal growth
How to Determine Your Love Language
Chapman offers a quiz on his website, in addition to measures provided in his book. You can look at the profiles of each love language to see which one most resonates.
Chapman also suggests asking yourself the following questions:
What are things your partner does or doesn’t do that deeply hurt you?What have you asked your partner to do more/most often?How do you typically express love to your partner?What would you look for in an ideal partner?
How to Determine Your Partner’s Love Language
Ideally, both partners will read the book, take the quiz, and learn about their love languages together.
If this isn’t possible, Chapman suggests asking yourself:
How does your partner most often express love to others?What does your partner complain about most often?What does your partner request most often?
Chapman also proposes a five-week experiment, that includes the following:
Each week, choose one of the love languages and use it every weekday—Monday to Friday—while observing your partner’s response. Relax on Saturday and Sunday. Repeat until you have covered all five love languages.
Did you notice more positive responses during any of the weeks? If so, Chapman says that’s likely their primary love language.
Summary
In 1992, Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages, a guide to determining how to give and receive love based on each partner’s preferred expressions of love. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Chapman’s theory is directed toward heterosexual spouses. The nature and language is heteronormative, and gender stereotypes are sometimes used. Relationships with more than two partners are also not considered. Love languages may not be enough to address relationship problems. More counseling may be needed, potentially using the love languages as a tool. The model may be too simplistic and broad, lacking nuance and not adequately addressing things like trauma, attachment style, or other major influences. It has the potential to be misused, such as a person demanding their partner engage in behaviors or activities they are not comfortable with in order to “prove their love,” or making the other person feel guilty for not doing so. The love languages are based on American norms that don’t always translate to other cultures. For example, in some cultures, gift giving can be viewed as “buying affection,” and public displays of affection are taboo in some cultures.
While there is not a lot of research on the effectiveness of using Chapman’s love language model, studies suggest understanding your partner’s primary love language leads to happier relationships.
There are limitations to the model, including heteronormativity, cultural bias, and simplicity. The five love languages should be viewed as a tool to strengthen relationships more than as a sole resource.
A Word From Verywell
If you and your partner are having trouble connecting, it may be that you each express love in different ways. Learning what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated, and teaching them how to do the same for you, may help bring you closer together.
