You, of course. Here are five reasons to root against the Orioles in the ALCS:
1. O, we get it already
The Orioles are known, for short, as the O’s. As a result, their fans shout the letter “O” during the National Anthem, disrespecting a solemn hymn about a battle waged for freedom IN THEIR VERY OWN CITY. It’s not just the Star Spangled Banner, though. Orioles fans delight in “Seven Nation Army” and “Hip Hop Hooray” because they get to pronounce their favorite vowel. They seem to think this is clever. It is not. And while we’re at it, “Thank God I’m A Country Boy” at the seventh inning stretch? Yeah, sure, whatever. Baltimore is real country.
2. Cheat to win
Remember last year’s feel-good story of Chris Davis hitting 50 home runs? Mr. Clean flunked a drug test this year. He’s not on the ALCS roster, but could play in the World Series unless Baltimore is stopped from getting there. Even without Davis, the Orioles have formerly suspended slugger Nelson Cruz, who led the majors in homers this year, continuing Baltimore’s long tradition of embracing drugs, from Rafael Palmeiro to Jay Gibbons to…
3. The Wire
We get it. There once was a great show on HBO that was set in Baltimore. NOBODY CARES. At least mix in a Homicide: Life on the Street or Diner reference once in a while. At least the Orioles don’t have anyone named Omar on the roster. This is more directed at the national media, but the longer the Orioles are around, the more tired references we get to a show that stopped airing when Kevin Millar was on the Orioles. Also, Kevin Millar was on the Orioles.
4. Jeffrey Maier
In the 1996 ALCS, a 12-year-old boy reached over the right field wall at Yankee Stadium and caught a fly ball from Derek Jeter to turn it into a home run. Regardless of whether Tony Tarasco would have caught the ball, it was textbook fan interference, but the homer stood, and the Orioles went on to lose in extra innings. Orioles fans still whine about this play, as if Baltimore didn’t still have a chance to win that game, as if the Yankees didn’t win the series in five games, and as if Baltimore would have surely beaten the defending World Series champion Braves in the Fall Classic. It was 18 years ago. Get over it, losers.
5. Playoff hero Delmon Young
Can’t really make jokes about Young’s guilty plea on a harassment charge for tackling a man and yelling an anti-Semitic slur in 2012. It’s up to you whether to forgive and move on, while also noting that Baltimore is home to lots of people who still think it’s cool to wear Ray Rice jerseys, and what baseball team do you think those people root for? Best to root for the other side.
Meanwhile, the Kansas City Royals have become America’s sweethearts in this year’s playoffs, from making the postseason for the first time since 1985 to their dramatic comeback win over the A’s to their stunning sweep of the star-powered and heavily favored Angels in the division series. Who could possibly root against this plucky bunch of Midwestern underdogs?
There are reasons, five, in fact, to pull for the Orioles over the Royals:
1. “Party like it’s 1985!”
Ooh, great, the Royals are in the playoffs for the first time since 1985. Good for them. Do you know what they did that year? They won the World Series, helped along by Don Denkinger’s blown call. The Orioles haven’t won the World Series since 1983. Is it their fault that they didn’t flat-out stink for three decades after that, and actually made the playoffs from time to time? Along the way, they got hosed on the Jeffrey Maier play. You want justice? You want the Orioles.
2. Bunt to win
Do you want to know the horrifying truth, or do you want to see your favoirte team sock some dingers? Everyone tries to copy a winner. If the Royals ride their Kansas City catenaccio all the way to the World Series, you’re more likely to see bunts gone wild at the ballpark next summer. No thanks.
3. Glass houses
Every baseball team is owned by the 1 percent, but former Wal-Mart CEO is the 1 percent of the 1 percent, and has a history of passing the savings on to himself. One of the driving forces behind the 1994 strike, and a proponent of replacement players (what a surprise, Mr. Wal-Mart), David Glass has routinely kept Kansas City’s payroll down, to the detriment of the team, while pocketing revenue-sharing money. This is who you want to support?
4. Big Lame James
Unless he goes elk hunting in the offseason, James Shields’ nickname, Big Game James, is one of the worst going in baseball right now. Shields has made eight career playoff starts. He’s 3-4 with a 4.96 ERA, including the A’s lighting him up in the wild-card game. And remember, if you’re on board with Big Game James, you’re on board with Guy Fieri, who tweeted his support of Shields. Welcome to Flavortown.
5. Oh, Lorde
It’s so much fun that the Royals got good in the same year that Lorde scored a hit with “Royals,” a song written about a photo of George Brett in National Geographic. It’s an anthem for Kansas City now. The lyric, however, is “We’ll never be Royals.” Never. Be. Royals.
