You, of course. Here are five reasons to root against the Royals in the ALCS:

1. “Party like it’s 1985!”

Ooh, great, the Royals are in the playoffs for the first time since 1985. Good for them. Do you know what they did that year? They won the World Series, helped along by Don Denkinger’s blown call. The Orioles haven’t won the World Series since 1983. Is it their fault that they didn’t flat-out stink for three decades after that, and actually made the playoffs from time to time? Along the way, they got hosed on the Jeffrey Maier play. You want justice? You want the Orioles.

2. Bunt to win

Do you want to know the horrifying truth, or do you want to see your favoirte team sock some dingers? Everyone tries to copy a winner. If the Royals ride their Kansas City catenaccio all the way to the World Series, you’re more likely to see bunts gone wild at the ballpark next summer. No thanks.

3. Glass houses

Every baseball team is owned by the 1 percent, but former Wal-Mart CEO is the 1 percent of the 1 percent, and has a history of passing the savings on to himself. One of the driving forces behind the 1994 strike, and a proponent of replacement players (what a surprise, Mr. Wal-Mart), Glass has routinely kept Kansas City’s payroll down, to the detriment of the team, while pocketing revenue-sharing money. This is who you want to support?

4. Big Lame James

Unless he goes elk hunting in the offseason, James Shields’ nickname, Big Game James, is one of the worst going in baseball right now. Shields has made eight career playoff starts. He’s 3-4 with a 4.96 ERA, including the A’s lighting him up in the wild-card game. And remember, if you’re on board with Big Game James, you’re on board with Guy Fieri, who tweeted his support of Shields. Welcome to Flavortown.

5. Oh, Lorde

It’s so much fun that the Royals got good in the same year that Lorde scored a hit with “Royals,” a song written about a photo of George Brett in National Geographic. It’s an anthem for Kansas City now. The lyric, however, is “We’ll never be Royals.” Never. Be. Royals.